It’s been over a year since I left the tech industry. Since then, I’ve recognised that I was very unwell, got diagnosed with major depression, and went into therapy. I feel like I’ve recovered mostly. It’s been pretty good! Mentally, if not financially. More on that in a bit.

After alla that, I’ve decided to sincerely try and be a freelance designer. Hell of a circling around, but so it goes.

This was my fault too

I did get burnt by a lot of the work cultures where I’ve been, and I still curse and wail and gnash my teeth against the greater tech industry. But: I really did stagnate and remain in my comfort zone as time went on, choosing to do the bare minimum as self-defence. I knew the purist frontend role was fading away; I could have pivoted fully to design roles and be happier for it. Yet I did little more than send out a bunch of applications. As much as I could blame employers and industry changes, I brought myself here too.

The web still has good in it

Despite the time and distance, I still really do love the web. Mostly it’s blogs. I feel that the blog is the purest form of all that is good in the web. Behind every sincere blog is a sincere person who’s singing their song out loud, hoping someone across the wires will hear.

I also love all the little web apps people build, the ones you know aren’t there to be the next Facebook or Jira or whatever slop we’re stuck with currently. Tools and toys over factories and houses of mirrors. We need humanity back in the web, and I want to help towards that.

Employment really ain’t it I think

I’ve recently gotten an admin job at a small college, and I find that I still have the energy and motivation to do a good job there. A pleasant surprise! Culture really did bring me low previously—here, most people try to stay positive and do the best they can. Having someone breathe down my neck makes me stop working out of spite.

Although there is that thing I mentioned at the start: the pay sucks. I was already very critical of capitalism as it currently is, but seeing my paycheck evaporate as soon as it comes stokes a fire in me. It sure hits different when you’re the one actually struggling. No one should have to live this way.

Perhaps there is employment out there where I can be truly fulfilled and make a living, perhaps even be comfortable. But waiting for that to happen is naive. I’ve waited long enough.

Once again: now what?

All this is driving me towards freelance design. It seems only right. I never fully went for it previously, as my cushy tech job kept me content only being design-adjacent.

If I’m going to give my best efforts and still struggle, then I might as well enjoy it. So here I go. I’m walking back my decision the long, hard, stupid way.

I’m still in the early stages. Building a portfolio, reaching out to people, improving myself as a designer. Thankfully my current job still leaves me with enough energy in the evenings. It feels good coming home to tinker, to sand and chip away at a rough design until it starts to lustre.

Even now, without any successes, I know I should have done this a lot earlier. But hey—the next best time is now, isn’t it?

Wish me luck.